Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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