Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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