Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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