Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
