Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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