Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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