I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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