She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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