$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
