if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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