I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
