Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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