It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
