the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i now understand why vodka
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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