Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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