There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
