hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
