if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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