peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
