nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
