i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
