dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
the liver wants what the liver wants
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
