You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
