sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
