So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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