so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
