On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
