we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
