If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
