I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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