She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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