At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
