Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
