What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
