Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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