Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
