i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
