yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
