We're like a lot better than the average bears
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
