Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
