It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
