hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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