morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
