:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
