Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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