My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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