Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
