Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
