just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
