I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
